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My name is Grouper Goodall. I’m a female Goliath Grouper writing a doctoral dissertation on human and grouper behavior. You can read more about my studies here.

During my research, I’ve discovered humans have an inexplicable need to dive with us. It’s true, we, Goliath Groupers, are a sexy bunch. Look at our burly torpedo-shaped bodies and our relaxed poise just hovering around like meditating yogis. We are adorable.

Now during spawning aggregation season (from August to October), we up the ante from adorable to awesome. After all, we’ve waited a whole year to have sex. So we gather at our singles bars, checking out sexy partners (if we can figure out who is the other sex) and we look our best. We call it courtship.

Goliath Grouper spawning aggregation or singles bar

Grouper Goodall and her buddies at a singles bar checking out sexy partners, if they can figure out who is the other sex. Photo Credit: Walt Stearns

During this critical time, your obsession for making us your dive buddies can easily get out of hand. Or fin. You’ll be surprised to know that in our grouper society, we have a code of polite behavior: a grouper etiquette. It has worked for the last 11 million years since the Miocene epoch. We are not going to change our ways, no matter how many selfie sticks you throw at us.

So, for your own good (and ours) I’ll share with you the basics of grouper etiquette.

Consider this an inter-species wake-up call

1) Avoid aggressive diving

We are irresistible, I know. But it’s rude and outright scary for us to see a diver approaching head on at full speed. I mean, when I see such locomotive divers, I pee my pants (If I could wear pants). We don’t follow Euclidean geometry. The shortest distance between you and me is not a straight line, but a soft curve. You should approach me gently, sideways. You’ll be surprised how close you can get to us. Obey this basic first rule of etiquette or you shall only see our tails.

2) Do not block the exit

Always give us a way out. Do you see where my head is? That means, if I decide to swim away from you in a jiffy, I’ll go towards where my head is pointing. So give me space or I might kick you in the gonads in my panic escape.

3) Do not chase after us

You might remember there was once a Jesus guy who said “let the children come to me”. It’s the same with us. You can get close to us, but for a photo portrait kind of close (when you do the citizen science project) don’t chase after us, of we’ll get the hell out of there. We’ll come up to check you out. Look, we are very curious. We like to pop up and ask you “Hello, What’s up? How’s it hanging? But, if you have a hose hanging in there, tuck it in. Come on, be a neat diver and don’t go around steamrolling the corals and the seabed. Not cool.

4) Do not feed us

We’ve worked out the whole year to look this magnificent for spawning season. We’ve done our yoga, eaten all the right foods. Yes, we might look a bit chubby to you but it’s the perfect kind of fat ass. Do you know how difficult it is to keep our spherical beauty? So don’t show up with hot dogs and who knows what. Feeding us breaks our delicate Rubenesque balance.


Remember, avoid aggressive diving, no blocking the exit, no chasing after us, and no giving us food.

I wish you a great diving experience. I’ll be watching you.


Dissertation Notebook: Day 23

When I told my doctoral adviser, Professor Boomer, that I wanted to focus my dissertation on human behavior, he used the words “you’re crazy” and “good luck” on the same sentence. Professor Boomer is one of the few Elders who survived the Great Massacre. For that reason, he rates humans way below the lowly sea cucumbers. But even Professor Boomer, with his loud voice (he’s the loudest bicolor male I’ve ever heard in a spawning aggregation) could not argue with me that humans are a poorly studied zoological group and deserve the same scientific scrutiny we relish on other species.

Before I could begin with my behavioral observations, I gathered some basic background on humans. As usual, dolphins are a good source of information, but you have to be a bit careful with them. Dolphins, with their know-it-all attitude, will talk to you while at the same time keep playing with a seaweed, or copulating in front of you. There’s no serious academic decorum when it comes to dolphins.

Anyhow, dolphins said humans live on land and breathe air. Those who come into the ocean either stay at the surface, or go down with a big air bubble on their backs. What a weird species, an alien of a different world!.  Of course, dolphins also breathe air, but at least they live in my ocean world, and I can talk to them (if you can bypass the annoying high pitch whistles they use to tell jokes behind my back when they think I can’t hear them). The issue of communicating with humans might be a bit complicated. Dolphins claim they’ve tried to do so for centuries and it seems humans are idiots. I’m not sure if that’s a dolphin euphemism, (dolphins view any non-dolphin species as slightly idiotic ), but I must consider the possibility of conducting a full behavioral study on a species that is, at the very least, mentally impaired. A final limitation is the inability to sex humans in the field. Dolphins claim that, using their sound-based vision, they can tell apart male humans from female humans. But I don’t have such powers, so I’ll have to modify my experimental design accordingly.

Almost a month into my quest for knowledge, I discovered some basic facts about human behavior. Humans are very noisy. I can hear them coming to my reef way before I see them. Some of my colleagues go on hiding right away. As a behavioral scientist, I must remain inconspicuous to avoid disturbing the natural behavior of human visitors, but I don’t have the luxury to flee the site, otherwise, I’ll never get any science done!.

Humans are rude. They don’t follow grouper etiquette, and get right on your face. This is a typical image I see in my daily behavioral expeditions.

To add insult to injury, humans fart constantly. At least, that was my initial impression. I asked the dolphins about that, and after laughing to tears, they explained humans make small bubbles after they breath from the big air bubble on their backs. So what to me sounds like many farts, is actually part of the human breathing process. Humans are indeed weird!. Then the dolphins proceeded to demonstrate the difference between making bubbles, and letting a fart go. And in typical dolphin humor, swam around my reef cave farting all along. Show offs.

Yesterday, I met an interesting human. It was a bit less noisy than the others and it had a gentle disposition. I managed to get close enough for a good photograph. I think this could be Figure 1 for my dissertation.

The quest continues…

Grouper Goodall is a goliath grouper investigating human behavior as the main topic in her doctoral dissertation. Her doctoral adviser is world renowned ocean explorer Professor Boomer, Director of the Elder Council and survivor of the Great Massacre.

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